I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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