I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
