I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
