i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
