Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
