I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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