can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
