Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
