he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My liver is preforming stress tests.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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