I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
