Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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