so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
