i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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