Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
