So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Mom said you looked used
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize