They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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