Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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