Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
