im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize