Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
