party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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