i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
