Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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