K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
