I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
