i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
