You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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