The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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