I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Its about making memories worth repressing
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize