He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
