We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
