Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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