if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
