yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
