cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
