Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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