You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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