I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
