gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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