I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
