it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
