Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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