Soap is not a condiment
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
