I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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