we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize