btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
