I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
