just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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