I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
