god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
