I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize