My first STD was from a foam party
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
