Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
