did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
