My Higher Power is John Stamos
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
