the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
