Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
then he tried to convert me to islam
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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