My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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