Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
